Not Now


How do you continue to seek God’s face when every time you take a look, the first glimpse resembles more of a giant flashing “NO” billboard in the sky than the beautiful radiance you’re hoping for? How do you constantly remember all of his “yes” over your life when there are so many blaring “no’s?”

That is the tension I feel like I’m living in. It’s the tension that just gets deeper instead of lighter. And what does the Lord keep saying? Seek me. Remember me. Know me. Press into me. Turn your heart’s affection and your mind’s attention to me.

And what’s my reaction?……whatever that sound is when a baby puts her tongue between her lips and blows raspberries….yep, that one. That’s how I feel.

I’m so tired of all the “no’s!

Often people will say, “maybe they aren’t “no’s. Maybe they are simply “not now’s”. And maybe so. But I have to tell ya, I’m sick of those, too! It really doesn’t make it better.

Thinking back to something I learned from Dr. Karyn Purvis about attachment and how it works in humans, I’m reminded that for a baby to become fully attached to mom she has to be given thousands of “yes’s” before that first “no.” Yes, I will feed you. Yes, I will diaper you. Yes, I will hold you…..yes, yes, yes….. And when a baby then starts to walk towards the light socket at age 2 and hears mom scream “no!,” she doesn’t automatically believe mom hates her and is going to hurt her. She can accept it, knowing it is coming from a loving parent who is watching out for her best interest…who is protecting her.

God has given me more yes’s over my life than I could ever account.
Yes, I will love you. Yes, I will save you. Yes, I will give you the husband your pray for. Yes, I will bless you with daughters. Yes, I will provide for you over and over again. Yes, I hear you. Yes, you can do that. Yes, I will use you. Yes, I will give you a home. Yes, you can go there. Yes, yes, yes………

It’s a good thing he did. He and I are officially permanently attached.

No, I will not give you a dream. No, I will not make a way for you to adopt the sweet girl I introduced you to in Vietnam what feels like so long ago to you. No, I will not give you a home. No, I won’t help you to see the sense of it all. No, I won’t tell you where the money is going to come from. No, I won’t ease the struggle. No, I won’t make it easier. No, no, no….

Not now.



What I read in Jesus Calling immediately after writing this today….

July 14

Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
—Psalm 37:23–24

though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
—Psalm 37:23–24

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
—Psalm 16:11 nkjv


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