Searching for “Right Side Up” Again

That moment when you feel like you have finally reached the end of your rope and you can do nothing more than long for God to step into your story and turn everything right-side up again…that is today, right now.

upside-down

To observe me, you would think nothing is wrong. I’m sipping my café au lait in Whole Foods, eating my avocado with salt and pepper, nibbling on a very oniony cranberry quinoa salad and typing away. No tears are escaping my eyes at the moment. My tummy is happy. I’m warm and toasty and watching the snow out the window. I’m in Colorado for goodness sake! A few months ago I truly believed that by now I would have had to say goodbye forever to this beautiful place I call home. It seemed I was going to have to give up so much more than I ever wanted. I was preparing for what I considered to be the worst, and in a beautiful blink of the eye, God swooped in and granted the desire of my heart…the opportunity to go back to Boulder County and remain in my home, Colorado. He actually chose not to take EVERYTHING away. I reveled in this joy and aww. Heck, I still can’t believe it!

There is nothing to complain about. Nothing. A long hard road traveled has landed in resolution. A tremendous amount of healing has taken place. We now have a beautiful place to call home. It feels just right. Kevin has a job with a paycheck again. His giftings are being used. My kids have a home again and an opportunity for new friends and experiences. It’s peaceful and beautiful and more than I deserve.

This next chapter is nothing like I would have chosen or imagined. But that is the beauty of walking with God. His imagination is much different from our own, and often much better. He knows what I need and in the middle of it he is also mindful of what I want…then it seems he miraculously works to weave the two together as I wait….poof, he gifts his plan and goodness in the fourth quarter just when I’m about to go down in defeat. It’s almost more than any one person can handle – those things he hands us. They are often quite overwhelming in very good way in the end. But they are stunning all the same.

Today I am stunned. Life has been a roller coaster of mostly downs for almost 3 years now. After a while it seems you just get used to losing your stomach in the dips. Downhill at 50mph becomes tragically normal…never fun, but normal. And when the ride slows down and steady ground is felt again, it’s hard to know what to do with the break in momentum. It’s hard to breathe normally. It’s hard to balance yourself again. And in a strange, strange way there is almost a longing for another ride. Yet, nothing in me wants to feel that sickness again.

I’ve just forgotten how to live “well” instead of constantly sick at my stomach.

What do you do when the biggest issue you have to tackle and deal with in your day is what you are cooking for dinner? What do you do when worries aren’t waking you up any more in the middle of the night? Most of all, what do you do when “right side up” still feels “upside down?” I think I have forgotten how to really LIVE life.

I think I’m ungrateful.

I think I’m so wrong not to be finally satisfied.

I think I’m wrong to long for more.

I think I’ve forgotten how to live when life is “normal.”

I think I’m still mad at God for leaving more unanswered questions and unrealized hopes and dreams.

I’m still upside down even though it seems on the outside that God has righted me.

 

And no advice from anyone seems to benefit. It’s yet another thing where only God can set me steady again…..

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2 Responses to Searching for “Right Side Up” Again

  1. Chaundel says:

    Thanks for your continued honest sharing, Amy. God will definitely steady you. I’m so glad you keep on looking to Him through all that you’ve been through.

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